14 ‘Harmless’ Comments People Said That Were Actually Psychologically Damaging We’ve all heard hurtful or invalidating comments at some point in our lives.
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14 ‘Harmless’ Comments People Said That Were Actually Psychologically Damaging was published on The Mighty by Juliette Virzi.
We’ve all heard hurtful or invalidating comments at some point in our lives. If you live with a mental illness, you might be especially familiar with some seemingly “harmless,” but actually invalidating things people can say to those struggling.
Sometimes these “harmless” comments come in the form of a question. (Have you taken your meds today?) Sometimes they come with a “solution” via personal anecdote. (You just need to be positive. I pulled myself out of my sadness by focusing on the good things in life.) Most often, they come from a place of misunderstanding mental health struggles. And even though these “harmless” comments may come from a good place, they can often invalidate someone struggling with their mental health.
When someone opens up about struggling with their mental health, oftentimes they aren’t looking for your “solution,” “advice,” opinions, DIY healing guide, etc. — they may just be looking for someone to listen and be there.
We wanted to know what “harmless” comments people have heard that were actually psychologically damaging, so we asked our mental health community to share one with us and explain what it feels like to hear it.
It’s important to remember what may seem “harmless” to one person may actually be hurtful or psychologically damaging to another. No matter what anyone says, your feelings are valid, and you deserve support.
Here’s what our community shared with us:
1. “You’re so lucky you get to be in bed all day.”
“‘You’re lucky you get to be in bed all day instead of working.’ I want to work. I’m home all day in bed because my mental health and fibromyalgia make is near impossible for me to leave the house without a painful meltdown. I’m completely broke and it makes me feel so much worse.” — Ashley M.
“’Must be nice to have all that time off.’ Yep, I love being sick all the time and missing school and work for mental health and chronic pain issues. Being in the hospital is super fun.” — Jessica Z.
2. “What do you have to be depressed about?”
“I remember my family member saying that I have ‘nothing to be depressed about.’ Which, in reality, I’ve had many things happen to me. Depression and anxiety just doesn’t allow me to say these things to them because I’m afraid, apparently. Deeply, that affected me. It still does, and many others said that I have nothing to be afraid about, too. Which really aches me. Nobody knows what I’ve really been through.” — Hunter P.
3. “That’s just your mental illness talking.”
“Every time someone dismisses my feelings about something as ‘just my borderline talking.’ Like I am not allowed to have feelings or I can’t get upset like everyone else. Makes me feel like I (and my feelings) don’t matter.” — Daniela R.
“Every time I have a legitimate emotion like frustration or anger at somebody or if I am stressed over money etc., then somebody in the family says something like, ‘It’s just your anxiety and depression talking. We really need to check the meds you’re on…’ Like I’m not allowed to feel any emotions or get upset at anything or anyone… It’s so painful to hear it from them. They’re supposed to be on my side but it makes me feel like they wish I was a remote control with an off switch so I could only speak or feel when they want me to.” — Talysha R.
4. “Your life isn’t even that bad…”
“There’s this comment my parents make every time I tell them, or even hint at my mental illness(s). ‘You’re life isn’t even bad.’ It always affects me because it makes me think I shouldn’t feel this way and I always think someone has it worse. This comment always stays at the back of my mind.” — Lauren P.
“I was once told by a psychiatrist, ‘You’re not even that bad…’ I felt so invalidated after opening up to them. It affected me for a couple days afterwards.” — Johanna M.
“‘In the grand scheme of things, your problems are rather small, hardly problems at all.’ Well… thanks for bringing it up, because I’m not agonizing over it too much already.” — Julz T.
5. “You’re just being silly.”
“’You’re just being silly.’ I rarely tell anybody how I’m feeling unless I’m getting really bad. When I reach out at those times, I get told I’m being silly and to stay strong, which disregards how I’m feeling and makes me more reluctant to reach out.” — Charlotte S.
6. “Are you not leaving the house because you can’t, or because you don’t want to?”
“‘Are you refusing to leave the house because you actually can’t or just because you can’t be bothered?’ Haha the things I would have done to be able to choose the second option (am much better now in regards to going out and about).” — Malisha L.
7. “I thought you were over that by now.”
“‘I thought you were over it now as you seem happier.’ You can’t just be ‘over it.’ It takes time and one good day does not mean every day will be a good day. What they associate as a good day is just me ‘getting by.’” — Abbi V.
8. “You’re too pretty to be depressed.”
“‘You’re too pretty to be depressed.’ That one was the silliest.” — Chelsea V.
9. “Don’t be a drama queen.”
“I was having a bad anxiety day and instead of putting my anxious energy into that, I was getting upset that the towels wouldn’t fit in the closet. It was my mom’s friend and even though I know she didn’t mean anything mean, it really hurt.” — Eme N.
10. “You don’t seem like you have bipolar disorder…”
“‘You don’t seem bipolar. Are you sure you have it?’ I’ve had a relatively good handle on my illness since about 2009. Just because you don’t witness my manias or my severe depressions doesn’t mean I don’t have bipolar disorder. It bothers me that I would have to be visibly sick for people to believe me.” — Courtney T.
11. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“‘You don’t want to get better, you just want to feel sorry for yourself.’ I broke down crying yesterday after reading a comment on a page saying, ‘I decided to not be depressed anymore. You can do it if you want to’ because it reminded me of what she had said to me. The guilt, pain and frustration is so overwhelming when I can’t fight my depression and people tell me I’m being selfish.” — Andrea G.
12. “Tell me something good that happened today.”
“Whenever I would have a bad day, I would be asked this. It essentially told me that no one liked talking about sad/bad days and that I should hide those things. That I had to force myself to be happy and think positively regardless of my state. I know it wasn’t intended that way, but that’s how I interpreted it as a kid.” — Alyssa P.
13. “I miss the ‘old you.’”
“A long time friend of mine told me I ‘used to be so happy go lucky’ and he misses the old me. I told him the old me stayed drunk back then to stay numb. I also have been re-traumatized since then and was finally pushed too far. He told me the same day that I need to go to church and that God will fix me. I walked away from that conversation feeling extremely hurt and gaslighted. I confronted him about it later that day after I processed it all and he apologized, but he still didn’t get it. I rarely talk to him anymore. He’s a wonderful person, but it seems like every conversation we have heightens my anxiety even more.” — Tracie B.
14. “You’re just looking for attention.”
“‘You’re advertising your anxiety/depression to get what you want and get attention.’ No. No I’m not. Choosing to be open about mental illness was meant to help myself accept it as a part of me, as well as to help others who struggle silently and are afraid to ask for help. The fact that someone would even think I am this kind of person hurts deeply, especially since this came from someone who I loved and I thought I knew. This was also extremely invalidating, as if to say that my struggles aren’t real. They are veryreal, and just because you don’t see that, it doesn’t make them any less real.” — Ashley O.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/14-harmless-comments-people-said-that-were-actually_us_5b1e9ba3e4b039591c8c2e9e?utm_source=main_fb&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063&utm_campaign=hp_fb_pages&utm_medium=facebook
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Man pleads guilty to beating girlfriend to pulp over Snapchat
A Texas man pleaded guilty to beating his teenage girlfriend to a pulp for downloading the Snapchat app, according to reports.
Dameon Marmolejo, 21, appeared in Lubbock County court Monday morning on charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon in connection to the grisly attack, EverythingLubbock reported.
Prosecutors said Marmolejo attacked 18-year-old Solidad Torres at her home in June 2017 after realizing she had a Snapchat message on her phone.
The girlfriend told police they had met through Snapchat, but she deleted the app when he accused her of cheating.
Torres said he became angry when the message flashed on her phone screen and slapped her across the face for re-downloading the app.
Marmolejo then allegedly threw her to the ground and began to pummel her until she flipped over to protect her head and face. The boyfriend, however, began stomping on her back and head, according to authorities.
She was able to briefly escape to the bathroom, but he forced his way inside and continued to assault her, police said.
He then allegedly slammed her head against the bathtub, leaving her unconscious in a pool of blood, according to news station KCBD.
Following the grisly incident, Torres was hospitalized and required 15 staples on her forehead.
The boyfriend was arrested after authorities matched his sneakers to the bruising pattern on the young woman’s body.
Man sentenced for kidnapping model, trying to sell her online
MILAN — An Italian court on Friday convicted a Polish man of kidnapping a 20-year-old British model for ransom in a case that raised the specter of young women being auctioned off online on encrypted websites.
The verdict slammed the door on the defendant’s claims that the victim was in on the scheme with him. Lukasz Herba, the 30-year-old defendant, got a 16-year, nine-month sentence that exceeded the prosecutor’s request.
The lawyer for British model Chloe Ayling, Francesco Pesce, called it “quite an important verdict.” He said he would seek half a million euros ($590,000) in compensation in separate proceedings, while conceding it was unlikely that Herba would be able to pay.
In his closing arguments, prosecutor Paolo Storari had demanded 16 years and eight months in prison for Herba, citing the possibility that Ayling could have died during the July 11-17, 2017 kidnapping. He said the model was drugged with ketamine, which knocked her out, then put inside a canvas bag and transported to a farmhouse, where she was handcuffed to the furniture for at least the first night.
Herba denied guilt throughout the trial, and claimed that Ayling agreed to the scheme to boost her career.
In a declaration that defendants are allowed to have in an Italian court, Herba said he had been in love with Ayling, and they had concocted the kidnap plot to help her overcome financial difficulties after the birth of her son.
“I never hurt the girl. I was not violent with her,” Herba said. “If she felt forced verbally in any way, I am very sorry. But it certainly was not as Chloe has described.”
“I was in love and I was hoping that once her fame took off that she would repay me with feelings and we would share the money,” he said.
Previous testimony showed that the two had met on Facebook and had met at least once in person before her pregnancy.
According to prosecutors, Ayling was lured to Milan with the promise of a modeling gig and then drugged when she showed up at a mocked-up photographic studio. She was zipped inside a canvas pack and transported to a secluded farmhouse in neighboring Piedmont. There she was held for six days before Herba released her at the British consulate in Milan. In his initial statement to police, he said he did so out of sympathy for the fact she was a mother.
Ayling told investigators that she never tried to escape, even when she accompanied Herba into a store to buy shoes, because she was terrified, believing his threats that he was part of a bigger criminal gang that had eyes on her constantly.
She said she had been told that she would be auctioned off online since she was not able to come up with 300,000 euros ($355,000) that the criminal “Black Death” group was seeking. She said Herba showed her photos of other girls who were reportedly being sold over the deep web.
But in his shifting story line, Herba also testified previously that he had concocted the alleged criminal group and that his brother was helping him in the scheme agreed to by Ayling.
Italian prosecutors are seeking the brother’s extradition from Britain.
Herba said he didn’t tell police that Ayling was in on the scheme during his initial statements because he believed she would come forward herself and defend him.
During closing arguments, his lawyer, Katia Kolakowska, cited an email she received from a U.S. film producer, who pointed out that Ayling’s story closely matches the plot of a movie titled “By Any Means,” that was released about eight weeks before the 2017 kidnapping.
After the verdict, Kolakowska expressed disappointment that the court did not take into account that Ayling emerged from the ordeal unharmed, which would have limited the sentence to one year to eight years. She said she would appeal.
Storari, in his closing arguments, noted that Herba had invested at least 10,000 euros (nearly $11,800) in the kidnapping, taking into account real estate rentals and travel. He said it was unrealistic that Herba would have done so only to get ransom from a young woman without any means.
The prosecutor also cited Herba’s purchase of two ski masks, which Chloe said she saw kidnappers wearing when she was freed from the canvas bag, and a note to his brother telling him to clean the trunk of the car well to make sure that there were no traces of her hair.
via: http://pix11.com/2018/06/11/man-sentenced-for-kidnapping-model-trying-to-sell-her-online/
I sold my photo to a stock site and now I’m the face of bestiality
Having your picture taken might seem like one of the most innocent things in the world.
But what happens when those pictures end up in places you hadn’t even imagined — such as alongside an article declaring how you’re turned on by orgies with fat, old men or holding a placard saying you’re a sex offender?
Becoming the poster boys and girls for such causes is a far cry from where those posing for inoffensive stock images — used in newspapers, magazines and ads when no suitable pics are available — believe they’ll end up.
This week, a Twitter thread went viral after stock models shared their accounts of the hilarious and surprising campaigns they had been linked to, following @marleybennett joke that he looked like the model on a tobacco warning label.
Here, they share their faces’ bizarre final destinations.
My innocent dog selfie ended up on a bestiality article
First to respond was Yair Kivaiko who was surprised to find his photo on an article about bestiality last year after uploading the image to a stock photo site.
The 36-year-old product manager said: “It was just a photo I’d taken for fun with my parents’ dogs in their backyard about four or five years ago and I decided to sell it via an app online to make some extra cash.
“I was mortified when I saw it on an article about bestiality.
“It took me a really long time to tell my friends and family what had happened. I would never want to be recognized as ‘that guy’ by people that had read the article.”
But despite the questionable associations, Yair doesn’t regret selling the photo.
“I love the picture and enjoy seeing it from time-to-time on other ads,” he says.
“I could have done without the bestiality story, but it was a minor website and luckily the article is no longer available online so there’s no real harm done. I wasn’t sure how to react at first, but today I look at it as a funny turn of events and laugh about it.”
I was the poster boy for a severe penis problem in Venezuela
Niccolò Massariello, a Spanish writer for Vice, revealed how his stock photos ended up on ads for booze, milk, the Catholic Church and even paraphimosis — a horrifying penis condition in which the foreskin gets trapped behind the tip of the penis.
Following a tricky breakup, Massariello embarked on an impulsive photoshoot with a friend to try and take his mind off stuff and signed away his rights to the images without realizing the potential repercussions.
He discovered his images had been sold months later when he saw his face on an article about terrorists on a Catholic website.
“That in itself wasn’t so bad, but it was then that I realized I had no control over what might happen to my face,” he told Vice.
In the following months, Massariello’s face was used to promote anything and everything, from gluten-free drinks and Columbian spirits to articles on vindictive exes and “jerks” at work.
Things then went from bad to worse, with Massariello finding his increasingly popular face on the cover of a book about monsters, an advert for shaving and finally, on a national campaign about a very serious penis problem in Venezuela.
“As I was getting up one morning a friend from Venezuela asked me on WhatApp if I had — or had ever had — paraphimosis, a very serious penis issue,” he explained.
“I told my friend that I might have had some issues down there in the past, but that I don’t remember it being called that.”
Massariello’s friend then informed him that he was “the poster boy for paraphimosis in Venezuela.”
“I know I can’t really complain — I was fully conscious when I had those pictures taken and I actively signed away the rights to my face,” he says.
“Still, that doesn’t mean I don’t rue the day I posed for those pictures. Briefly feeling a little better about myself that day does not compare to the fact I have no idea where my face will show up next.”
I was the women who loved sex with fat, ugly old men
Like many others in her situation, Samantha Ovens’ stock-image modeling shots — which were originally taken for a campaign on cold and flu medication — were used for something she could never have imagined.
Ovens, who is gay, was out with her friends when she was first alerted to the fact that her face had been used on an article, titled: “I fantasize about group sex with old, obese men,” on the Guardian’s anonymous sex column.
The piece, written in first person, explained how the author, a 31-year-old woman, struggled with fantasies about being “passed around” by fat, ugly old men.
“The thing that really turns me on is the idea of having to lift their stomachs and search for their penises, which are always difficult to find and a bit on the soft side,” is just one of the graphic lines in the first paragraph that Samantha’s image was next to.
Luckily, the successful model, who usually specializes in portraying mums on shoot, found the whole thing hilarious.
“I was with my partner’s mum [when I first saw it],” Samantha told the Guardian later. “I screeched with laughter and said: ‘Oh. You have to see this.’
“How can you take it seriously? There are bigger things in this life to get concerned about.”
The family fronting the anti-gay marriage campaign
In a much more serious case, a British family’s image was used on a poster campaign by an Irish group opposing gay marriage ahead of the 2015 referendum — a campaign with which they strongly disagreed.
In an anonymous interview with the BBC, the family said they were given a free photo shoot in exchange for allowing the photographer to sell the images.
“The photo was not stolen from us… we have no claim over (or rights to) the picture and we do not claim otherwise,” the family said.
“We just wanted publicly to say that we disagreed with the ‘No’ campaign and were unhappy about their use of our image, but we acknowledge that they’re allowed to do so.”
Other examples of awkwardly placed stock images include Simon Naylor’s face on an article about Viagra, which was pointed out to him in his local pub.
“Thought nothing of signing over a few headshots for use as stock images, until my local pub landlord spotted me in Take A Break,” he tweeted.
But we don’t think it’s quite as bad as this poor girl’s holiday snap being used as an advert for colonic procedures.
via: https://nypost.com/2018/06/08/i-sold-my-photo-to-a-stock-site-and-now-im-the-face-of-bestiality/
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Philadelphia mom throws epic prom with ‘Black Panther’ theme
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — A Philadelphia mom who threw a $25,000 Dubai-themed prom for her son last year is throwing a “Black Panther”-themed prom this year complete with an actual black panther.
Saudia Shuler tells WPVI-TV she had a contest this year that asked kids in her North Philadelphia neighborhood to send their report cards and essays explaining why they deserved to have an epic prom send-off.t
READ MORE——> http://komonews.com/news/offbeat/philadelphia-mom-throws-epic-prom-with-black-panther-theme-06-10-2018
Does Colin Kaepernick Have A First Amendment Case Against Donald Trump?
If his collusion case against the NFL and its team owners fails, former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick, allegedly blacklisted by the league for his decision to kneel in protest during the national anthem, may have another legal recourse: suing President Donald Trump and the NFL for violating his First Amendment rights.
Trump has spent much of the past year trashing the protests of predominantly black players to the delight of his political base. He has repeatedly called on NFL owners to prohibit players from protesting. Last September, he used a campaign rally in Alabama to urge the team owners to fire any “son of a bitch” player who protested.
Trump’s demagoguery has had an obvious effect on the NFL and its owners, who in May approved a new policy that requires players to stand for the national anthem if they are on the field before games. Trump has continued to wield the issue since: on Monday, he blamed anthem protests for his abrupt cancellation of the Super Bowl champion Philadelphia Eagles’ Tuesday visit to the White House, even though no members of the team knelt during the 2017 regular season.
But Trump’s actions, some legal experts argue, may also have opened him up to claims that he and the NFL violated the players’ First Amendment rights to free speech and peaceful protest, especially if his threats against the league helped force owners to institute the new policy or influenced their treatment of protesting players.
“It’s a very bold step to sue the United States based upon alleged wrongdoing of the sitting president, and filing such a claim might make a player such as Colin Kaepernick into an even more polarizing figure,” said Marc Edelman, a law professor at City University of New York’s Baruch College. “However, based upon the pure black-letter law, a [First Amendment] claim of this nature may have a reasonable chance to succeed.”
As every graduate of YouTube Comment Law School knows, the First Amendment typically protects individuals only when the government, or a government official, infringes upon their free speech rights. NFL teams and their owners are private actors and thus are free to do as they wish, at least with respect to the First Amendment.
But in certain cases, private businesses can be considered state actors, and Kaepernick and other NFL players ― like his former San Francisco teammate Eric Reid ― who appear to have been ostracized over their protests, could have a credible argument that the NFL, in this instance, was a public entity that was improperly influenced by the president.
The NFL, Edelman argued, could be considered a state actor for two reasons: First, because it receives tax breaks from the federal government, and second, because most of its teams play in stadiums that are partly financed by local governments. NFL stadiums have also received billions of dollars in federal tax subsidies.
Federal courts have previously ruled that sports franchises have acted as state actors. In 1978, a judge found that the New York Yankees’ policy banning female reporters from their locker room violated the Constitution’s Equal Protection Clause because New York City owned Yankee Stadium, qualifying the team as a state actor, as Edelman notes in a brief he wrote examining the possibility of NFL players filing a free speech lawsuit.
None of this would matter, however, were it not for Trump’s own actions ― and specifically his tweet in September suggesting that certain tax breaks be eliminated if the league didn’t start punishing the protesters.