Mashonda speaks to Vibe-part 1

VIBE: How much of a burden is it to be referred to as Swizz Beatz ex-wife, rather than Mashonda?

Mashonda: I can’t wait until that goes down. I hate that when [Swizz and Alicia Keys are] doing something I always come up. I can’t wait for the day when we’re both in our own worlds. I’m a separate person and just want my own identity.

How far have you gone to regain your own identity? Have you still kept his last name, Dean?

I do. I kept my last name for my son’s sake, until I remarry. There’s no need to rush to change it… that just complicates things for my son. That would be so petty of me. The only thing that could change [my last name] is a really good man.

Speaking of which. You’ve been spotted with producer, Michael Honablue. Going well?

Yeah. It’s only been two months, [but] Michael and I have a really good thing. I’ve been really private with my personal life, but I will say that Michael and myself share a lot of characteristics. He’s just a good guy.

“The first time I went on a date with somebody, I cried. It was like ‘Oh my God.’ I didn’t even know how to talk to another man.”

When did you feel you could comfortably date again?

I had to be fully divorced before anything because it was important to show my son that that’s just not how you do it. You’re not going to do this to your wife… over my dead body are you going to do this to your wife. If you don’t want to be with her, you wait until your shit is right, [then] you do all your public stuff. That was really important for me to [be] an example for him. So I waited. It wasn’t really an interest of mine to date anyways. I just really wanted to figure out me and my next move because I was so confused and hurt. If you’re not complete with yourself there is no way you can be complete in a relationship. But now I’m in a really good place, and I only mess with positive people. I will not entertain negativity.

You were with Swizz for ten years, married for four, is it weird being with a man that isn’t your ex-husband?

It is definitely weird. The first time I went on a date with somebody, I cried. It was like ‘Oh my God.’ I didn’t even know how to talk to another man. It was just weird being there, but I knew it was something I had to do, a part of moving on. Thank God I’ve been blessed to deal with only good, educated, sensitive men. God will send the right person for me. [Right now] my son is my number one man.

How old is little Kaseem now?

Three-and-a-half. He’ll be four in December.

I know it was very important for you to sit down with Alicia if she was going to be around your son. Safe to assume that happened?

I know it was very important for you to sit down with Alicia if she was going to be around your son. Safe to assume that happened?

When I wrote her that Twitter letter everybody wanted to say things like ‘Oh, what do you need to meet her for? It’s not her problem, it’s Swizz’s.” I’m like, ‘You have a kid, go through what I went through and then talk to me.’ I’m not having my son around anybody I don’t know. I don’t give a shit who you are and how much money you have and what management he’s going to be under when he visits you. I need to see you and I need you to see how serious I am about him. And that’s what happened. We had to sit down, and I told her how I felt. I didn’t mention anything else, it was all about my son and it was fine after that. I’m not going sit and talk to [them] about what happened between the three of us. This is about my son.

How did you introduce Kaseem to Alicia?

‘This is daddy’s friend Alicia… Daddy’s girlfriend.’ I don’t want him to ever go over there feeling uncomfortable.

When did this meeting finally take place?

It took a good year and a half. I think that only happened in March.

How was Alicia’s demeanor?

She just listened.

This all sounds like a really awkward gathering…

It wasn’t awkward; I wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t ready. I said what I had to say as a mom. It was a whole sit down dinner. So you know how intimate that is. There are certain things we have to do as women in order to move forward.

“Love does not happen like this. Love doesn’t involve hurt, lies, or destructing anybody else’s soul.”

Very true, have you received an apology from either one of them yet?
Nope.

Surprising?

No, because I honestly feel like they think they didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t care about their apology. As long as he’s a great dad to my son and she’s a good step-mom, they don’t have to worry about apologizing because they will never understand or care about the pain I went through. That was a big thing at first, I felt like nobody was respecting me. He’s not respecting me, she’s not respecting me. [But] then I had to say, ‘Fuck my ego, because this can’t be an ego thing. If it is I’m going to fall down and die.’ People feel that they are so happy and they are so in love, but what really happens is that real love does not come from a foundation when you hurt somebody else. Love does not happen like this. Love doesn’t involve hurt, lies, or destructing anybody else’s soul.

If real love isn’t born from infidelity, are you saying it wouldn’t shock you if their soon-to-be marriage ended in divorce?

I don’t think about it, it’s not my concern. I don’t think about them anymore. If there was no little boy involved in this, I would’ve probably moved to another country by now. I’ve thought about going to live in Europe, but I can’t because his dad is here. I don’t like confusion, I don’t like drama, I don’t like none of that stuff. I would have left before the divorce was even final.

How did you even find out that they were engaged and she was pregnant? Please don’t tell me the blogs.

I knew these things for a couple of months… I never talked to him about it though. It’s his life, but people talk. Nobody is nobody’s friend when it comes to stuff like this. There are people in their circles that talk and it gets back to me and I’m like ‘Wow, okay.’ I still feel like we should tell each other…No, I don’t care. I don’t give him the vibe that I care, so he wouldn’t feel obligated to tell me.

If you were generously invited, would you attend their wedding?

No. Not out of malice, but because weddings are sacred. It’s just not my place. The only reason I went to his birthday party was because he invited me and I did that for myself. I needed to see them together for it to transfer. And I was like ‘Wow, this is real.’ We were still totally married…We had a divorce that was nowhere near final, but I just needed to see them in action for it to be real to me, and it was definitely real. You have all these different types of steps that you have to set up for yourself until you get to that place where you are free. And I will tell you, after I got divorced maybe three weeks later I woke up and felt a weight removed. It was the first time I’d ever felt mentally free. And I sent him an email wishing him all the best in the world.

Did he reply back?

He did. He said, “Wow, thanks. Thank you.”

When was the last you cried?

I haven’t cried in about a year. I don’t cry anymore. I thank the good Lord for that, because it takes a lot for me to cry now. It’s been a journey. The whole first year I cried my fucking brains out. And when “Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart” came out, I was like… “Wow, this song is for me.” [Laughs] I would cry in my sleep, I would wake up crying.

“I got to be honest with you… I was not in love.”

Does it hurt listening to her now? Were you an Alicia Keys fan?
I believed her before.

And now?
I don’t make it an effort to listen. I don’t make it an effort not to listen. I still like her songs. She’s head over heels in love and I get it. Every woman deserves to feel that, not at the expense of another woman though. But I understand why some of the decisions were made on her part, because her heart was so in it. I can’t fight that [and] I can’t fight her because she’s a household name. People are always going to love her for her music, as they should. She makes great music, but no one is really ever going to understand what happened in this house. Bottom line, the rule is, if you’re messing with somebody, you don’t know they’re married, and you found out they’re married if you come into any contact with that wife, leave it alone… respect the woman, respect the wife. Like I said before, it was an ego thing for me. I’m being fucking disrespected, nobody respects me, this is my husband, this is my family, this girl thinks she can just do anything she thinks she wants to. And that’s what I dealt with for a while, until I gave up.

Ego can be a dangerous thing. Were you still in love with him while you were fighting for your marriage?
I got to be honest with you… I was not in love. Love is unconditional; “in love” is very conditional. [Being] in love is a state of insanity, infatuation, when you can’t live without that person. But when one thing goes wrong you feel crazy, it’s insane. So when you’re able to tell the difference you’re better off. Because [being] in love doesn’t last, [it’s] for the moments. Love is forever. I still love him, he’s the father to my son. We have history, there’s no reason not for me to love him. What he did was done for me to learn something. I don’t blame him anymore. Now he has to learn because I’ve already learned.

Is Alicia the reason your state of being in love faded?
There were lies, infidelity. I would die for him, but I was more focused on family.

Are your parents still together?
They had a messy divorce as well, so I saw what it was like, how it effects kids. I didn’t want my son to live through that.

Did they like Swizz?
They loved him.

“Even now with Alicia’s pregnancy, I believe she deserves privacy. I hate hearing people wish bad stuff on her and the baby. This is a child, an actual life.”

You mentioned there being infidelity prior to Alicia. What happened?
His older son Nasir was born while we were together. We were living together [and] I was pregnant at the time. I stressed so much because I found out [the other woman] was pregnant… it put me into pre-labor. I lost my baby in 2000 when I was five-and-a-half months. It was tragedy. Nothing compares to losing a child. That shit put me into a two-year depression, it took me six years to even try [having a baby] again. I was afraid. So not only did I lose my baby, but now I was waiting for this other woman to have hers. Because of what happened to me, he wanted me to name the baby. He wanted a Muslim name and I loved the name Nasir. The first time I met Nasir we fell in love and whenever we had visitation he was my baby. I took care of him. We did everything that I would do with [Kaseem]. And when Swizz did that interview with DJ Enuff, he mentioned that I made him choose between his marriage and his son, and I was like ‘What?!’

Wow.
That kills me the most. He was saying these things because these are probably the things he told her. Obviously something is wrong with his morals, but I don’t play with kids. Even now with Alicia’s pregnancy, I believe she deserves privacy. I hate hearing people wish bad stuff on her and the baby. I’m like ‘People shut up!’ This is a child, an actual life… someone who has nothing to do with what’s going on right now. I wish her the most successful, healthy pregnancy in the world, that child is going to be my son’s brother or sister and that’s the only way to look at it.